Attraction & Identity

Resources for individuals, parents, therapists, educators, rabbis and pastors.

A Broader Way of Understanding Attraction

Many people assume that strong and recurring attraction automatically reveals who they are, what relationships are possible for them, or what their future must look like. Yet attraction may be more complicated than that.

One of the most important observations from my clinical work is that not all attraction appears to operate in the same way. Some attractions feel immediate, powerful, and highly focused on particular traits, qualities, or experiences. Other attractions seem to emerge through emotional connection, familiarity, shared affection, and genuine enjoyment of another person's company. In many cases, confusion begins to lessen when people recognize that attractions which feel most involuntary and immediate are not always the same attractions that emerge through genuine personal connection.

Free Resources

Brief guides for common concerns.

• Can someone experience same-sex attraction and still identify as heterosexual?

• I think I might be gay because I've always felt different. How do I make sense of that?

• Do recurring same-sex attractions automatically determine sexual orientation?

• Can my attractions change over time?

• What's the difference between attraction and identity?

• Why do I feel intensely attracted to certain people?

• Can emotional needs or insecurities influence attraction?

• How do I talk to my child about issues of sexual identity and sexual orientation?

• Can someone experience same-sex attraction and still pursue opposite-sex relationships?

Looking for a Deeper Exploration

For readers seeking a more comprehensive discussion of attraction, identity, relationships, and decision-making, I have developed a longer guide that explores:

• The difference between attraction triggers and connection-based attraction

• Why some attractions feel especially powerful or recurring

• Common attraction patterns and amplifiers

• How attraction and personality connection interact in dating and relationships

• Questions about attraction, identity, and personal values

• Practical guidance for reflection and decision-making

Comprehensive Guide Coming Soon

Reaching Out for Support

Some people find that reading and reflection are enough. Others benefit from discussing their questions in a more individualized setting. If you would like professional consultation regarding questions of attraction, identity, relationships, or personal values, please click below.