Attraction & Identity
Resources for individuals, parents, therapists, educators, rabbis and pastors.
A Broader Way of Understanding Attraction
Many people assume that strong and recurring attraction automatically reveals who they are, what relationships are possible for them, or what their future must look like. This can be especially difficult for individuals from traditional, religious, Orthodox Jewish, Christian, and other values-based communities, where questions about attraction are often intertwined with personal beliefs, family relationships, faith commitments, and future goals. Yet attraction may be more complicated than that.
One of the most important observations from my clinical work is that not all attraction appears to operate in the same way. Some attractions feel immediate, powerful, and highly focused on particular traits, qualities, or experiences. Other attractions seem to emerge through emotional connection, familiarity, shared affection, and genuine enjoyment of another person's company. In many cases, confusion begins to lessen when people recognize that attractions which feel most involuntary and immediate are not always the same attractions that emerge through genuine personal connection.
Free Resources
Brief guides for common concerns.
Common Questions
I think I might be gay because I've always felt different. How do I make sense of that?
Do recurring same-sex attractions automatically determine my identity or sexual orientation?
If I’m strongly attracted to the same-sex, can I still feel attraction for the opposite sex?
What's the difference between attraction and identity?
Why do I feel intensely attracted to certain people?
Can emotional needs or insecurities influence attraction?
How do I talk to my child about issues of sexual identity and sexual orientation?
Can someone experience same-sex attraction and still pursue opposite-sex relationships?
Looking for a Deeper Exploration
For readers seeking a more comprehensive discussion of attraction, identity, relationships, and decision-making, I am currently producing a longer guide that explores:
The difference between attraction triggers and connection-based attraction
Why some attractions feel especially powerful or recurring
Common attraction patterns and amplifiers
How attraction and personality connection interact in dating and relationships
Questions about attraction, identity, and personal values
Practical guidance for reflection and decision-making
Comprehensive Guide Coming Soon
Reaching Out for Support
Some people find that reading and reflection are enough. Others benefit from discussing their questions in a more individualized setting. This is particularly true when questions about same-sex attraction, sexual identity, relationships, faith, or personal values feel confusing, distressing, or difficult to discuss openly. If you would like professional consultation regarding questions of attraction, identity, relationships, or personal values, please click below.