Understanding Attraction & Identity
Help for unwanted attractions, identity questions, and relationship concerns
NEW HERE? Start by reading this brief overview:
What Does My Attraction Say About Me?—>
HAVE YOU EVER FOUND YOURSELF WONDERING:
(click on any to learn more)
If I Experience Same-Sex Attraction, Can I Still Be Straight?
How Do I Know If I'm Gay?
Does Same-Sex Attraction Mean I'm Gay?
Why Don't I Look at Attractive Women Like Other Men?
What If My Attractions Don't Fully Match the Life I Want?
Why Do Certain Identity Labels Feel So Relieving?
Explore More Articles on Unwanted Attractions—>
Questions about unwanted attractions—and what these attractions might mean—can be deeply confusing, especially when they involve the same-sex, seem somewhat unusual or conflict with personal values, faith, long-term relationships, and hopes for the future.
If you or a loved one are looking for help with any of these topics and questions please click on the button below to set up a free 15-minute introductory phone call.
Going Beyond Labels
Attraction doesn’t always work in the simple way we assume it does.
Even when recurring attractions involve specific opposite-sex types or other idiosyncratic stimuli, many people seek professional counseling with me when they are seeking a more individualized understanding beyond identity labels.
Often, such an understanding can significantly reduce shame and conflict while helping people arrive at a psychologically grounded understanding of what these attractions might actually mean—both about their past, and future.
Over the years, I’ve found that many confusing questions become easier to understand when we look separately at attraction in relationships, attraction in fantasy, recurring patterns of attraction, and the meanings we give those experiences.
Brief Guides for Parents, Teachers, Rabbis & Therapists:
To help support those who are looking for professional guidance on this topic, the brief guides below offer a psychologically grounded approach to concerns that are often misunderstood.
Brief answers to common questions about attraction, dating, same-sex attraction, and sexual identity.
A practical guide to understanding same-sex attraction from a broader developmental and relational perspective.
A practical guide for responding thoughtfully to questions about sexual identity.
Why Work With Me?
Over more than 15 years of clinical practice, I’ve worked extensively with individuals navigating questions related to unwanted confusing attractions, sexual identity, relationships, and personal values.
In addition to my clinical work, I provide consultation and training for therapists, rabbis, educators, and other professionals seeking a psychologically grounded understanding of these questions.
My work has been shared internationally and has been endorsed by respected rabbis and mental health professionals from a variety of communities.
Selected Endorsements from Training Workshops:
Dr. Koby Frances is a very needed voice of reason shining bright light on dark corners. As a rabbi, I can attest that this approach is fully consistent with Torah values as expressed in both halacha and mussar. I highly commend his work
Rabbi Yitzchak Breitowitz, Rosh Yeshiva Ohr Sameach
Dr. Frances’s presentation today was so clear, concise, and deeply encouraging to participants. He gave very solid advice in a way that is easy to grasp and enjoyable to listen to. I feel any shul community or group will gain tremendously from Dr. Frances’s presentation and his answering the questions which weigh on many minds.”
Rabbi Baruch Hertz, Rav of Chabad Community of Chicago, Dean of the Lubavitch Girls High School
"I've watched all 3 of your lectures. They were ground-breaking, thought provoking and so refreshing! I was so impressed with your perspective and how you're ready to challenge traditional therapy in these sensitive areas, in such a humble way!"
Miri Wajchman, Marriage and Intimacy Coach, 12+ years experience