By Koby Frances, PhD

If you are experiencing an attraction that feels confusing or unwanted, it can be easy to jump quickly to a much bigger question:

What does this mean about me?

Does it define my identity? Does it tell me who I should date? Does it mean something permanent about my future?

Sometimes those questions come too quickly.

Attraction can develop and function in different ways, and two people who use the exact same words—“I’m attracted to this person” or “I have same-sex attraction”—may actually be describing very different experiences.

Here are several possibilities that may be worth considering.

A pleasurable experience became something you wanted to repeat

Sometimes an early sexual or romantic experience happens because of curiosity, opportunity, proximity, or simple access.

If the experience is pleasurable or exciting, the mind can naturally want to return to it. Over time, repetition can make the pattern feel increasingly familiar and powerful.

That does not automatically tell you what identity you should adopt. It may simply be useful to understand how the pattern developed and what role it currently plays in your life.

Admiration, envy, or insecurity became mixed with attraction

Sometimes we are strongly drawn to qualities we wish we had ourselves.

A person may feel fascinated by someone who seems stronger, more confident, attractive, socially comfortable, masculine, feminine, successful, or secure.

In some people, admiration or idealization can gradually become mixed with fantasy or sexual excitement.

If this fits you, it does not mean the attraction is imaginary. It simply means there may be more going on psychologically than the attraction alone initially reveals.

An unwanted sexual experience became something your mind repeatedly returned to

Sexual experiences do not always begin because they were wanted.

Sometimes a confusing, coercive, premature, or unwanted experience becomes highly emotionally charged. A person may later find themselves thinking about it, replaying it, becoming aroused by aspects of it, or trying to understand why it continues to have such power.

The fact that the body or imagination later responds to something does not necessarily tell us how the original experience felt or what larger conclusions should be drawn from it.

Closeness and intimacy sparked attraction

Attraction does not always begin with appearance.

Sometimes two people become unusually close. They talk constantly, confide deeply, spend large amounts of time together, touch affectionately, or become emotionally dependent on one another.

Sexual or romantic feelings can sometimes emerge inside that closeness—even when neither person expected them or initially wanted them.

In that situation, it may be helpful to understand both the attraction and the relationship in which it developed.

A particular fantasy or type became strongly associated with arousal

Some people notice that their attraction is highly specific.

They may repeatedly become excited by a certain body type, personality, role, piece of clothing, interaction, or scenario.

Learning, repeated fantasy, pornography, earlier experiences, and reinforcement can sometimes contribute to making particular cues especially powerful.

This does not necessarily tell you everything about whom you can love, connect with, or build a relationship with.

So what does your attraction mean?

Attraction itself does not necessarily tell us something definitive about who we are or what relationships and sexual feelings we are capable of having.

A more useful starting point is often to slow the process down and ask:

What exactly am I experiencing?

When did it begin?

What tends to intensify it?

Is it mostly fantasy, arousal, romantic longing, emotional connection, or some combination?

What happens in actual relationships?

What do I want my life and relationships to look like?

You do not have to answer every question at once.

Sometimes simply understanding the attraction more specifically can make it feel much less frightening—and give you more room to think clearly about what it does, and does not, mean about you.

Taking the Next Step

As a clinical psychologist in private practice, I provide telehealth services to help individuals make sense of their attractions, whether involving the same-sex, opposite-sex or other kind of stimulus or situation. Reach out if you have questions or wish to schedule a consultation.