By Koby Frances, PhD
For someone who experiences unwanted same-sex attractions but hopes to marry a woman, two questions can loom especially large: Do I need to get rid of these attractions before I can seriously date or consider marriage? And do I first need to experience strong, general sexual attraction toward women—the kind of immediate arousal I may feel toward certain attractive strangers, images or fantasies?
I don’t think the answer to either question is necessarily yes.
If same-sex attractions have been powerful or persistent, their continued presence may seem like evidence that dating women would be unrealistic—or even unfair to a future spouse. And if a man does not find himself regularly noticing or becoming aroused by attractive women he sees, he may take that as further evidence that attraction to a woman cannot develop.
But neither experience, by itself, answers the question of what may develop in an actual relationship.
Marriage Doesn’t Require the Absence of Other Attractions
We don’t ordinarily ask a man who is attracted to women to stop noticing other women, having fantasies or experiencing occasional sexual urges before he is ready to date or marry. We recognize that being capable of attraction outside a relationship is different from being capable of building and remaining faithful to a relationship.
Why should the basic principle be different when some of those attractions happen to be directed toward men?
The more important question is whether a person has enough understanding and control over his behavior to be trustworthy in an intimate relationship and to live according to the commitments he and his partner make together.
This doesn’t make unwanted attractions irrelevant. Someone who feels chronically out of control, repeatedly acts against his own values, or doesn’t understand what repeatedly draws him into behaviors he doesn’t want may have important work to do. But the goal of that work does not necessarily have to be eliminating the attractions themselves.
Not All Attraction Develops in the Same Way
One reason this question becomes so confusing is that we often talk about “attraction” as though it were one experience.
In my clinical work, I have found it useful to distinguish between different ways attraction can develop. Some attractions are immediate and highly familiar: a particular body type, image, situation, fantasy or sexual cue can produce a powerful response almost instantly.
And those familiar pulls are often selective. A person may repeatedly notice or fantasize about certain types of people while feeling little immediate response toward others—whether those attractions are same-sex or opposite-sex.
We don’t ordinarily assume, for example, that a man whose fantasies consistently involve one type of woman must first develop the same immediate attraction toward a different type of woman before attraction to an actual relationship with her could possibly develop. We understand that what reliably captures someone’s attention or imagination is not necessarily a complete map of whom that person can become attracted to through a relationship.
A different kind of attraction can develop as we actually get to know someone. We talk. We laugh. We become comfortable. We feel understood and appreciated. Affection, curiosity, admiration and intimacy can grow as the relationship itself develops.
The presence or absence of a familiar, immediate pull therefore does not tell us, by itself, what attraction may develop through affection, familiarity, humor, admiration and intimacy with a particular person.
Don’t Expect a Date to Feel Like a Fantasy
This distinction becomes especially important for someone who has years of experience noticing immediate same-sex attractions and then begins dating women.
If he expects an early date with a woman to produce the same intensity as his most familiar fantasies or attraction triggers, he may quickly conclude that something is missing.
But he may be comparing two very different experiences.
Imagine sitting across from someone you’ve met once or twice. You’re talking about work, family, where you grew up, making jokes and discovering things you have in common.
Are you supposed to be highly sexually aroused?
Probably not. You’re getting to know someone.
The more useful questions during early dating are often much simpler: Do I like talking to her? Do I look forward to seeing her again? Can I be myself around her? Do I feel that she appreciates my humor, experiences and perspective? Am I curious to know more about her? Does being together feel pleasant, interesting or increasingly natural?
Sometimes attraction is present immediately. Sometimes it grows. And sometimes it doesn’t grow with a particular person at all.
None of this means that a person with same-sex attractions is necessarily ready for dating or marriage, or that attraction to a particular woman will necessarily develop. Dating is partly how we discover whether a particular relationship has the potential to grow. The point is narrower: the continued presence of same-sex attraction does not, by itself, answer that question in advance.
So What Actually Matters?
As a relationship becomes more serious, the questions naturally become broader than “Am I attracted enough?”
How do the two of you actually function together? Do your personalities complement one another? Do you have enough in common that ordinary life together feels workable? Are you moving toward similar goals and imagining compatible kinds of lives?
What happens when you disagree? Can you talk through differences, tensions and conflicts rather than becoming stuck in them? Do you communicate effectively? Does this person bring interest, warmth, enjoyment or excitement into your life? Do you increasingly want to share your life with her?
Physical and sexual attraction are certainly part of what may need to be understood. But they can be understood in the context of the actual relationship, rather than by comparing one’s feelings toward a real person with the intensity of unrelated fantasies, images or familiar attraction triggers.
And there is another important question: Can I make the commitments this relationship asks of me and reasonably trust myself to keep them?
That is a much more meaningful question than whether every unwanted attraction has disappeared.
Dating Can Help Answer the Question
It can be tempting to believe that every question about attraction must be settled before dating begins: First I need to know exactly what my attractions mean. Then I need to know whether they will change. Then I need to know whether I can be attracted to a woman. Only after all of that is resolved can I date.
But some of those questions cannot be answered entirely through introspection.
Dating itself provides information. It allows us to discover what it feels like to know a particular person, whether we enjoy being with her, whether connection develops, and whether forms of attraction emerge that may be very different from the attractions we already know well.
The goal isn’t to force ourselves to feel something that isn’t there. Nor is it to pretend that same-sex attractions don’t matter.
It’s to avoid letting their continued presence answer questions they cannot answer by themselves.
A person does not necessarily need to eliminate same-sex attractions—or first develop a generalized pattern of strong opposite-sex arousal—before taking dating or marriage seriously. What matters more is understanding those attractions well enough that they don’t dictate the meaning of every other feeling, and giving a real relationship the opportunity to tell us something new.
If You’re Trying to Sort This Out
Questions about attraction, dating and marriage can become especially confusing when we try to predict our future from the feelings that are strongest or most familiar right now.
If you are struggling to understand your own attraction patterns, compulsive sexual behavior or relationship potential, I work with individuals on these questions in therapy and consultation.
Learn more about my approach to confusing or unwanted attractions →
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