Some people feel strong attraction at the beginning.
The early stages are exciting.
There’s curiosity, energy, anticipation.
But when a relationship begins to deepen — when commitment becomes real — something shifts.
Interest fades.
Doubt increases.
Irritation grows.
You begin scanning for flaws.
And you wonder:
“Am I just not that into them?”
“Am I afraid of commitment?”
“Why does this keep happening?”
Attraction Can Change When Vulnerability Increases
Early dating often feels lighter and more exploratory.
But as emotional closeness builds, different psychological systems activate.
Commitment introduces:
• Real vulnerability
• Real dependency
• Real potential conflict
• Real stakes
For some people, that level of closeness triggers subtle protective responses.
These responses may not feel like fear.
They may feel like loss of attraction.
The Difference Between Disinterest and Deactivation
When someone is truly incompatible, distance often brings clarity.
But when attraction fades specifically as intimacy increases, something else may be occurring.
If early relationships involved inconsistency, pressure, emotional unpredictability, or conditional approval, closeness itself can feel activating.
The nervous system may respond by:
• Numbing
• Scanning for flaws
• Amplifying minor incompatibilities
• Reducing romantic feeling
This is not conscious sabotage.
It is often protective adaptation.
Why This Matters
Without understanding this pattern, people may repeatedly end promising relationships — assuming the absence of spark means absence of fit.
Over time, this creates confusion:
“Why can’t I stay interested in someone good?”
The answer is not always lack of chemistry.
Sometimes it is fear of vulnerability.
What Therapy Helps Clarify
This work involves slowing down the moment attraction begins to shift.
We examine:
• When exactly was the moment where feelings started to change
• What fears or assumptions become activated
• How early relational experiences shaped your tolerance for intimacy
• Whether distancing is protecting you from something
As awareness increases, emotional tolerance often expands. Clarity gives you the ability to think more strategically and to address any potential relationship ruptures or misunderstandings in a way that is authentic but not intense or alarming.
Attraction does not need to disappear when intimacy grows.
It may simply need support to remain steady.
A Different Question
Instead of asking:
“Why do I always lose interest?”
It can be more helpful to ask:
“When do I lose interest?”
“What happens inside me when someone gets close?”
That shift often opens the door to change.
If you’re navigating dating confusion or attraction uncertainty, you can learn more about therapy here →